I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You Might Also Like
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.