Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
that de-escalated quickly
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.