2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?