Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.