Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: