Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When I snag the last meatball.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.