[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me