Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Meat Cute
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.