Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Lol
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.