My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.