Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
respect
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
They’re stuck in your pants?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist