Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work