The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
fair
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this