I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.