If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own