“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
is this meant to deter me
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.