Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*