The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My spirit animal is fried chicken
jesus, what did this guy do
Still a very good boi….
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.