We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*