*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
this has done me in for some reason