My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year