Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.