The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.