me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume