Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.