Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.