Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.