yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
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Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”