friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!