NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle