[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
@ candidates for local office
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”