*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
You Might Also Like
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
The fall of Netflix
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?