Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Today’s Times
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Just in case to be clear #gbbo