The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
a god among men
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times