Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
How software testing works
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.