{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box