*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.