M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card