My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
You Might Also Like
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.