Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Swedish for common sense.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?