I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I鈥檇 be in terrific shape.
Bobby pin
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
DATE: {seductively} What鈥檚 your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I鈥檓 on a date, mom she鈥檚 the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle