People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.