My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine