[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.