If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
i’m sure it’s fine
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds