If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
S M O L
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
CRYING
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.