Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me