I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.