Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.