“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.